A Look Into My World, A Daughter, Sister and Survivor

Sunday, November 28, 2004

I've Moved!

I've moved! Please update your bookmarks,this page will automaticly redirect in 5 seconds, thanks to Wyckedone, my Internet pimp, he got me a hookup, and I switched to WordPress.
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Buzzzzzzz

In light of certain events that have taken place over the past couple weeks, I needed to get some release and frustration out...I found myself at my tattoo shop, and looky what I got added, this is a work in progress...
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Saturday, November 27, 2004


Full back vies, glare is from the goop stuff. Eventually, it will be one piece Posted by Hello
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Me and my hot tat artist Phil in the works Posted by Hello
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Here she is bout 2 hours of work, and well worth it!! Posted by Hello
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Sunday, November 21, 2004

Don't blow it...

I've had 2 opportunities to hang out with the soldier, but, have kind of blown them off. Not really, but kinda...See, they hang out at this club that's pretty fucked up and in a very bad part of Dtown. But, 2 years ago, I would of been all for it, I lived for the clubs downtown. That's not the main reason, ecstasy. They all take quite a few pills, and well, I've never done 'em. Not saying I have to do them when I go out, but its, way way way too tempting. Because, I do want to experiment, but I'm fucking chicken I guess. I don't know, I'm split completely in half. I want to feel the euphoric feeling they get when popping that magical pill. I want to experiment with feeling every nerve in my body when touched. But at the same time, I fear of having a bad trip. I've only smoked marijuana, nothing more. I'm 21 and feel 40 it fucking sucks. I wrote him a text, we'll see what he says. I also know, If I get too attached, its going to be that much harder to say goodbye to the soldier. I did see him last night, it was nice. Very nice.
On the flip side, I also have court on Tuesday, hopefully all goes well. I want this to end so I can put it all behind me and move on. This is and could be make or break. I have already warned several of my doctors and attorney, that if she, the drunk driving bitch is there, I cannot guarantee them of my behavior. They all know this and that I am completely serious. It'd be worth it. She has no fucking clue what she has done to me.
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Saturday, November 20, 2004

Halo

I re-registered my HaloScan account, cause bloggers comments suck. Enjoy.
Oh and I also updated many things on my side bar, added lots of new links, and will be devolping more of the site, and moving it to a host soon. Yippy.
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Friday, November 19, 2004

Fuckin Holidayz

**Warning Depressing Holiday post**
Over the last few years, I have come to hate the holidays anymore. I used to love Thanksgiving and Christmas. But, with really no 'family' to celebrate with, it makes the holidays boring and depressing. All I do is think about how much fun they used to be. Now, its just my mom and I. I just really wish my Dad would get his shit together and go sober. But, thats never gonna happen, I expect to be burying his ass within the next couple years. It sounds horrible, I know. But, it is the truth, he's just drinking himself to death and there is nothing me, my sister or mom can do about it. So I am forced to sit back and watch him dwindle to nothing. Breaks my fucking heart. My sister hasn't talked to any of us in I don't know how long. She is a whole other issue. Its been that way my whole life between us. We are 10 years apart, and never was really close. She is a pathological liar, and wasn't raised in the environment she is raising her kids now. I haven't seen my nieces or nephews in about 2 years. I miss them so much it hurts. Its not their fault, its unfortunate for them cause they have grandparents that are alive and have no relationship with them or me.
I guess its how I remember Christmas and Thanksgiving. Getting big Christmas tree's, decorating them and having lots of presents under the tree. Now, its like whats the point. Exspecailly now, where we live, there is no room for a nice tree, and there is no room for a "Thanksgiving Feast". Not to mention, we're afraid to turn the stove on, cause there is a valve broke and we can sometimes smell gas. There will be no turkey, mashed potatoes or bread. If anything, mom and I will go out to eat. In the previous years, we'd go over my Dad's house and play pretend family which I absolutely hate. But then, he gets too drunk and I just want to kill him. Crack! there goes another beer. I am living a double life, trapped in my own personal hell. The weather is taking toll on my and my moms bodies. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I also have to be in court 2 days before Thanksgiving, for my lawsuit. They are draggin me thru the mud. And, from the looks of it, I ain't getting shit. Michigan no-fault law sucks, and I have to deal with these problems the rest of my life. Just makes you sit back and wonder, is it all worth it?
The thing that hurts most, is hearing everyone else make their plans. What their having, all the people comming over, and then how much fun and good times it was. It hurts. I didn't ask to be put here, and so many times I wish I wasn't here at all. Ok, I gotta end this, tears are comming...
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Monday, November 15, 2004

Your not going anywhere...

So, I had a decent weekend. The best part would definatly be meeting this guy I met. Only its sad and happy at the same time. We started talking, he is being deployed to Iraq. 22 years old. I have a hard time comprehending that. And I'm sure he does as well. He's scared, and I would be too. Rewind. Lets start from the beginning. A good friend of mine calls me up, tells me to head over for a bit. Ok, so I head over there, its her, her boyfriend, and this guy sitting at the table, who I don't know. Small house so no real room or anything. Everyone's in pretty close quarters. We start bullshitting the usual. Well, this guy is sitting in between me and her. She introduces us, hi. No biggie. But then I take a second look, cause Im just thinking this is one of her freaky club friends. No this guy has a body that won't quit, a face chisled, handsome, shaved head mmm. So, I check him out a bit more, nod to my friend and mouth the words "he's a cutie". She agrees. Time passes, we all get more comfortable(smoke a few bowls)conversation gets pretty funny. He flashes me a card says this is what I do and its a Marine identification card. WTF, this guys a marine, and doing mind altering substances(not herb). And totally fucking cool as hell. And hott. He looked me dead in the eyes, said, "I'm being deployed to Iraq, for 2 year I just got my papers". I swear to fucking god I wanted to cry for him. All I keep thinking is why would this soldier be going over there. But thats a whole nother political debate for another day. So the rest of the night, entails some flirtatious looks, and some comments. I was druling, I asked my girl to goto the store with me. I said, dude he is fine. She agrees and knows this, tells me a little about him. The more I hear the more I like.
Next day, she calls me up and drops a few hints that he's on his way, and for me to stop by. No problem. So I head out. I get there, and he's already there. My back was all screwed up, hurting. I was telling my friend this and she's like "Jon's really good at backrubs, he'll get it out." I said, no I'm cool, she's like well, I'll ask him. He comes back upstairs, my friend tells him about my back and he is right on it. Cool. Very. Then he grabbed the chair for me to sit. Then he asked if i was comming with them, I said no. They were going to the club. They were getting ready to leave, so I left, got home and text'd my girl"I miss Jon's hands already". I get a reply from his phone"So, you miss me already???" Busted. Heh, but we've been talking ever since. I am going with them this weekend. But its really hard. I don't want to get too attached then have to say goodbye. 2 years is a long time in Iraq. Looks like I will be taking one for the country soon!! Vader, thats for you. I really dig him, though. Time will tell.
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Friday, November 12, 2004

Just another brick in the wall...

Daddy's gone across the ocean,

Leaving just a memory,
A snapshot in the family album.
Daddy, what else did you leave for me?
Daddy, whatcha leave behind for me?
All in all it was just a brick in the wall.
All in all it was just the bricks in the wall.
-Roger Waters, Pink Floyd
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